Wednesday, October 20, 2010

My Heart


My Heart - Free-Write 20/10/10

I am not afraid

I am not afraid to stand all alone

I am not afraid to stand all alone with everybody

I am everybody

I am everybody's love

I am everybody's love tearing open

I am standing

I am standing with my feet in the soil

I am standing with with my feet in the soil of the earth

I am standing with my feet in the soil of the earth that is my earth (mine!)

I am standing with my feet in the soil of the earth that is everybody's

earth all alone with everybody's love tearing open

with my feet in the soil with my head in the clouds

puffed up and floating all a-mingle with everybody's

vapourish dreams of thunder

crying rain down into the soil of everybody's earth

soil of everybody's love

dancing to my heart

everybody's heart

My heart is sweet, scarlet music.

I am not afraid!

________

Every so often I get a leap in understanding, a leap closer to myself, and everything in my life becomes clearer.

An actor/writer friend wanted me to take a look at a play he'd written, so in return, I asked for a little help with my performance technique. This was the day before yesterday, and it was all very informal. We just went through a couple of poems and he told me what he saw in them, and how to access the emotions of my work. As often happens in life, this exercise was illuminating in ways that extended beyond my performance technique. I realised that I try to shrink all the time, apologize for myself. I pull back when I long to go all out, I flake when I need to commit. I realised that I spend a lot of my time half-trying to express myself and half-trying to disappear. I had that little tutorial and it all clicked somehow. My entire being said: "ENOUGH!"

So the next day(yesterday), I did a poetry performance that was filmed for an internet TV show, Manorlogz. It was a poem I'd done before, but something had changed in me. I wore red heels. I stood up straight. I didn't bother with my habitual 'look at me, I'm a poet but I'm like, soooooo retarded' schtick but just paid attention to the piece and allowing myself to be alive on stage. It was liberating. It seemed like a microcosm of my life! All my shrinking had to stop!

Fast-forward to today and I did my Free-write Wednesday offering, and the feeling crystallised into words. Every so often, I read something back and I get that feeling, 'yes! that's exactly what I meant!' And it's almost like being understood by somebody else. My eyes welled up. It seemed to mean something. No dexterous wordplay, I haven't excited myself with form, but I've shocked myself with the epiphany that I am full of joy - from nowhere, from everywhere, just to BE here. I got that feeling again where it seemed there was a clue to the order of things inside me, and that everything was connected.. I think maybe all artists - maybe all people in general - are stretching their fingers toward the light, trying to feel the pattern, order and beauty of the universe under the suffering.

I am here. I'm here and I want to be here, deserve to be here, and need to be here exactly as I am, doing exactly what I do, feeling exactly what I feel. And you too!!!

Jeez, I'm such a hippie... lol!

Peas and gloves!
xxx

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