Wednesday, October 12, 2016

(Sanity) Freewrite Wednesday - 10/12/2016

So... it's Wednesday it turns out. Freewrite Wednesday. But I wrote this not cos of that but because I was sad - no choked. Yes, choked.
The thought goes like this (it returns often):
There's much more in me than I've ever spent.

And how long will that feeling last? I just want to throw it up, somehow.
I went to acting class and then sat on the bus home eating chips and looking out of the window. And there was this small, punky-looking couple, and he was eyeing up me or my food. And when we got on the bus he said, sorry am I eyeing up your food and I just laughed and a laugh was all I offered.

And it was late and I kept scrolling my WhatsApp thinking, what for?

And in the shop the shopkeeper shared this kinder chocolate bar thing with me and I was the only customer. And he was very approving of the packet of biscuits I bought.  The street was all orange and leaning into me, but not like a friend would.  More like being on the tube at rush hour. And I breathed deep and reminded myself I was outside.

And my son was fragrant and asleep and I woke those big eyes into saucers with all my racket - I went in to kiss him goodnight and to remind myself I was a person.

I took my hat off and left on my jacket and shoes. Even if there was someone to call there'd be no-one to call about this.
Truth is, there is always someone to call.  But sometimes, in the night, you are only trying to reach yourself.  Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up at 6am and do the dishes. For now I'm gonna post this thing I just wrote (below)... It took me a couple of moments to realise it was Wednesday... so happy Free-Write Wednesday to me and whoever else cares --

In case no-one else has said it today,

I love you.


I am last
of the raw cash –
wrong currency sweaty
in the palm I am
too much to spend
in the wrong direction
in all this fluorescent hell
and plastic promise
I am pent up
Vision smashing up against
All these coward edges
Nothing carries through
No flow
I have too much to spend
Nowhere to spend
No-one to spend
nothing to buy ---
or I am buying the wrong things
spending wreckless – suicidal
for love - buying debts
collecting on nothing –
ask me how I am – I am all teeth –
I walk a good game – I comb
My stupid hair –
You do not see I am all unspent
Choked to the brim
The last of the young dirty pound
Raw cash crashing through the floor
not getting older –only getting old
carrying all my worth in loose change –
heavy metal – I need the kind of insides that fold –
whispering between the hands
silent ballet of numbers
changing – I am one in a million
of the wrong currency –
full of money – gnawing on
bones only ghosted by meat
and cardboard and nothing
and time and memory –
cannibalizing myself –
filthy rich and useless
my love is no good here
I have spent pennies on
The pound – you have all come up
Short – the streets swallow me
Into aimlessness
a roar opening my mouth
the way a yawn does

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